Happy P.O.’d Monday, Mamas!
***THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE FUNNY. BUT, IF YOU DON’T LIKE SARCASM, DON’T READ IT: YOU WON’T FIND IT FUNNY. SARCASM IS MEAN TO PEOPLE WHO DON’T SPEAK SARCASM. WE SPEAK SARCASM AS A FLUENT SECOND LANGUAGE IN OUR HOME AND SO IT WAS/IS FUNNY TO US. YOU’VE BEEN WARNED.***
I was texting with some girlfriends today and from our meticulous data and specially-special research collection, we do believe that this Monday has most mothers – particularly those of young children – feeling, maybe, a little P.O.’d – to put it kindly.
If you relaxed yesterday, then whatever work you normally do on a day, but didn’t yesterday because you were going to take the day off, was waiting for you bright and early this morning. No real rest for the weary, you know. If the work is just waiting for you when you come back, does that really count as a rest day then? Remember “No Homework Coupons?” When you could hand that in instead of your completed homework? You never, ever had to finish the homework if you had one of those suckers. Those were the days.
But those are no longer the days. Shit doesn’t get done if you don’t do it. Or ask for it to get done no less than 5,678 times.
I have a husband who is like a lot of other loving husbands in that he loves his wife very much, but that love does not translate well into actions we might have wished for, OR BLATANTLY TOLD THEM we’d like. They get confused by us, I guess.
So, that brings us to today, The Day After Mother’s Day or, as our research has pointed to – P.O.’d Monday – where we look around and realize that on the one day of the year when we might have earned a break, we, perhaps, did not.
My husband missed his flight home yesterday morning and then came home at dinner time with his head out of the game of parenting young children, and I had exactly negative sympathy for his situation. My mom did, though – bless her heart. You would think that my husband was the one who resided in my mother’s womb so many years ago with the way she takes his side in every possible scenario. Like, when, after 30 hours of back labor with my first born, she commented on how hard it must’ve been for Pat to sleep on the cot in the hospital. Yes, Mom, that must’ve been really hard for him. Let me give him a massage. Oh wait, I can’t because I am nursing the infant human I just grew and pushed out of my own body.
Anyways, Mamas, if your Mother’s Day was a little less than you might have hoped for, I promise you, you are in some good company. Some whole parts of school pick-up lines in randomly selected suburbs around Chicago, and in Fort Wayne, Indiana; New York City, New York; Seattle, Washington; and all the way down south in Louisiana, felt the same way today. P.O.’d Monday is not restricted to any one region, we’ve learned.
I spent yesterday doing exactly what I always do, which I still consider to be an insane privilege, even if it is a privilege that I would’ve greatly desired to take a break from yesterday, but, you know, dreams don’t always come true – without a woman making them happen, anyways.
Yesterday the kids and I grocery shopped together and they were, surprisingly, wonderful little children. That’s them at the check-out counter looking – but not asking for – one of the millions of toys; it was a small miracle. It’s like they knew enough to give me a break from their usual, developmentally-appropriate-but-annoying-nonetheless shenanigans. No one crapped their pants, either, so it really was a successful day. And, yes, my standards have now left the building.
Today, with data collected from the field, I developed a new working line of Mother’s Day cards, which will have this card as a feature in 2017:
“Today I’m going to do all of the stuff you normally do, but I’m gonna act like it’s a much bigger deal, because I’m doing it with a penis. (And that’s if you’re ‘lucky’). Happy Mother’s Day!”
Happy P.O.’d Monday, Mamas! It’s a real thing. You are not alone. The bittersweet news is this: Our babies grow up! And the break you so wished for yesterday will be there eventually. I know this because my mom got to pee alone every time she went to the bathroom yesterday. That, actually, was my Mother’s Day gift to her. I know – my generosity knows no bounds.
P.S. Rumor has it that Father’s Day is the new Mother’s Day if yesterday was a total bust for you. Bring on June.